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Danielle: finding myself in France

November 23, 2009

So. Today. I also realized that I love it here. Not just curious in the exciting way that I felt before. But actually have the feeling that I can come home to a place in this France. Curl up in bed for forty minutes. Wake up. And talk to people that, even though it took forever to warm up to. I really do like. Its nicer now too that I understand everything they’re actually saying. Right? And I think here is a fine time to insert something I wrote on the train yesterday:

I don’t know what its like to be anything but all the too much that I am. And even though I will try for too long to understand all the too much-es out there. I’m always going to do it knowing that all my too much can be just enough for all those people who understand why sitting on the ground is sometimes better than a chair. Why a happy ending is a combination of each minute where you understand that everything really is okay. Why cookies before bed. Bananas with peanut butter. and milk chocolate are somehow just enough to feel just enough. Why life is better when you see it clearly. But why optimism can bring you farther when mixed with that clarity.

The part I’m going to mention right now is the last line. Because I saw it ringing true today. When I came home plagued with the ever lasting drags of thoughts. I found another piece of the puzzle I was missing as I took out the burgundy rock from three months ago. the one thought that out of all the rocks on that beach. And I promise you. There were many. I also missed this one until it was picked up and given to me. and out of all the beautiful unique amazing rocks. I can now not imagine not having this certain one right in front of me even though its not the color I would have picked. It has a crack along one side and many more scratches as well. But somehow now. I’ll take the scratches. The crack. The color. And it can be my own. The little girl living here might have tantrums. The vegetables might sometimes looks like uncooked seaweed. The lines might be too long and too slow. And people might be rude on the tram. But I’ll take it because a part of me is now here too. Just like all the people around me. that I love most of the time and like for the most part. Have so many things that drive me crazier than I could have thought they could. But just like my cold but nicely smooth rock in front of me. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. Learn which parts of yourself fit where. And realize that sometimes you don’t get to choose where your heart decides to lay. And somehow by chance sometimes and patience others, you get to understand why you could never imagine your life without that other small piece.

Learning. As much as I possibly can. Still makes me realize that there are a bunch of things that I’m missing. I know this. And reluctantly I’m going to try to take it as just the way it is. But I hope that for today you can understand a bit more about what is going on in my head. Along with the insert I put a paragraph above, I wrote a good twelve pages of other things. So closing for right now I’m going to put the closing of that nicely long note.

As I sit here with my feet getting cold eating carrots and getting closer and closer to a place that somehow became my place of comfort, I realize that the confrontation of self has made that self echo instead of fold and each word I write reminds me of the parts that make me who I am. The parts that I love. The parts that need tweaking. And the parts that in writing this, I hope someone finds in themselves too.

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